It starts with an idea

Its scary to feel like you have no control.  Yeah your moving your body,  but your mind is doing its own thing.  As much as we try and fight it,  it sneaks in when you least expect it.  The unfortunate thing is people dont know that your an addict.  So its easy for it to be brought up in a conversation.  Now you dont want anyone to know its a problem so you just laugh it off as nothing has happened,  but something has.  It starts with an idea.  nothing harmless so far.  Its just a thought in your mind.  You try to fight it and for a moment you think.  ” Hey I got this”  but you dont.  As much as tou try to fight it the idea it just sits in your thoughts until you start feeling that emptiness inside.  Its hard to explain but its there and that only means one thing.

So at this point nothing wrong has been done,  its still simpy an idea,  a feeling.  But this is where you really start thinking.  Do I or dont I?  So to leave it up to fate,  as i say.  I start messaging around and see if anyone responds.  A part of me hopes no one picks up,  at the same time the addict in me is like yes yes yes.  Its crazy because the times that u really want it.  Its no where to be found.  But when you are really trying to not do it,  it seems to be found right away.  And unfortunately as much as we ……. fight it,  its sometimes just easier to give in.  I honestly dont know if i will be done with this grip that it has on me.  I do know that i will continue to fight,  and as long as i am aware of what im doing.  There is still hope for success.

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